Well, it's time to start the new year. 2010 was not a bad year for me overall. I went back to school and progressing well in my job and have made a few new friends. So far 2011 I believe will hold more changes for me and I will contine to grow as a person and perhaps find someone that I can completely be myself with and will love all of me, not just the parts they want.
In the last few years I have really started to acknowledge the darker parts of myself. I have expanded my interest in the world of BDSM. I have learned that part of me is a Sadist and part of me is Masochistic. I like to be Dominant but at times I enjoy being submissive. I have learned to admit these things about myself and also to myself.
Now that may sound odd but if you think about it, it is something that we all go through at some point or another. We all have to go through acceptance of ourselves. Whether you are coming to terms being gay, discovering your trans-self or even something like accepting that you suffer from depression to name a few.
When I was in my mid twenties I was involved in a very serious car accident and almost died. At that point I decided that I didn't care what other people thought any longer. I was gay and I was just going to be myself, if you had a problem with it then it was your problem not mne. It amazed me how liberating that decision was. Unfortunately there were things I was still hiding.
About 8 years ago I started having a craving. I had always been turned on by kink but I never explored just how much. I met someone online. Actually, my ex met them through a chat room that she requented. This person had very low self esteem. She referred to herself as the "Shallow Hal" girl. Now I am a huge flirt, so my ex asked me to turn it up a notch with her to help her feel better.
Little did I know, she was in the lifestyle and was willing to talk to me about these feelings. We had this online relationship for a couple of years. Now I also write erotica and tend to write stories for my friends. So I wrote several for her. She complained about his lack of romance and how the other woman in their poly relationship no longer turned her on and acutally "killed" her desire. Eventually, she stopped talking to me about such things and left me completely lost. She had many things that she needed to work through but couldn't explain them to me.
I found a couple of others that I could explore with. I actually ended up in a Dominant role as "Daddy" and a submissive role as simply boy. This worked for awhile but My submissive gradually became difficult to control. She always argued back, was disrespectful of My role and criticized the way I did things. Finally I released her. Not long before this happened I made the mistake of confiding in my friend about this relationship.
One concept of the lifestyle is that there is no true way. She lost that. She became judgemental regarding the things I did. I had to keep that part of me hidden away because my ex wanted nothing to do that part of me and didn't care to acknowledge it. Now the moment she found out that we had split she broke her neck telling her everything that I had confided to her.
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