I am sitting here and it is funny how perspectives can change. I have fantasized about women since I was in high school. It wasn't until I fell in love that I realized that I was gay. Then as I got older I realized that wasn't quite right. I look back now and I know that I was Transgender all along. It's funny how we evolve and continue to learn, especially about ourselves.
At my last therapy session we talked about my sexual orientation. It took me a long time to be able to understand the difference between gender and orientation. I used to have trouble understanding how a Trans woman could be attracted to other women. I didn't understand just because you were born male and attracted to women that you wouldn't be happy living as a man. In the last few years I have grown and understand that who you are inside doesn't having anything to do with anatomy or attraction. So this is how I saw myself. I am a heterosexual man. Simple enough. I am attracted to women and want to find a woman that I can love and loves me back.
Now a few weeks ago I went out with a few friends. I was the only guy in the group. Now one of the ladies in the group is actually a member of my support group. I have never really talked to her much. She always seemed like there was a wall that she kept up and didn't encourage you to get any closer. So when she agreed to go out with us I was surprised but extremely happy. At some point during the night I ended up with my arm around her and she put her arm around me. To be honest, it scared the crap out of me.
The she came to our next group meeting and we were considering meeting another friend afterwards. Instead we ended up going out to eat with the group. It was funny the way we seated ourselves at the restaurant. There were 5 of us and and 3 of the group sat on one side of the table and she and I ended up sitting next to each other on our side of the table. When we finally broke up after dinner I didn't want it to end. We hugged outside the restaurant and it felt like she didn't want it to end either. Our mutual friend Cyrsti gave her my phone number. She thought that Cyrsti did it without my knowledge but I told her that I had told Cyrsti to give it to her.
We started texting and talking on Facebook. We would talk for hours at the time. So one night I invited her out to dinner. It was a lot of fun and finally when we left I hugged her and kissed her on the cheek. I think I surprised her. I think I have liked her for a long time. I remember when she would come to the meetings and I would try not to stare at her. I didn't want her to think I was creepy but I was also involved with my ex. Now however we are both single. I have found myself attracted to her and she is attracted to me. (Although I don't know why) She is tall and thin and I still find it hard to believe that she would be attracted to someone built like me.
Then last Friday I asked her to go out (in a round about way). We went to the movies and as we are sitting in the theater I feel her finger brushing up and down my arm. So I take the chance and put my arm around her. I was so happy when she laid her head on my shoulder. Eventually I had to move my arm because of my shoulder so I put my hand on her leg. It just felt so natural and comfortable with her. We went and got something to eat afterward and talked for hours. This time when it was time to part we kissed. OMG!! I so wanted to kiss her hard and deep but she kind of pushed me back. I thought I had done something wrong. When we talked the next day I found out that I had done something very right.
This is where it gets really different for me. She is a no-op woman. I always thought there would be no way I could have a relationship with someone that had male body parts. Now, it doesn't seem that important. I like her and after all it is just a body part. Does it really mean that much? The more I think about her the less important it seems. It pales in comparison to the fact that I only see her and how I feel. If you truly care about someone it seems like that should be what is important. So what if she different anatomically to a genetic woman. That doesn't make her any less a woman to me.
I don't know how this will turn out but I want to do the best I can.
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