I am always amazed that I seem to get the mood to write when I'm sitting in my apartment with the lights out. Unfortunately, many of those times I sit here and look at my screen and nothing comes out. I am kind of in that spot now.
So many positive things have happened in my life in the last year but there have also been many heartaches to go with it. It was just about a year ago that I made the decision to transition. I remember sitting and feeling so lost. I was in a place where I couldn't ever see anyone being interested in me. I was too butch for the lesbians, they were all looking for femmes, and what straight woman would be interested? There have been a few times in the last year that I have felt that way again.
It wasn't long after that that my oldest brother passed away. It was a rough time. I was trying to hold myself together and be strong for my family. They didn't need my emotions, they needed my strength. During that time a friend (former now) let me stay at her house since it was only minutes from my family. When I wasn't with the family I was there and had to play marriage counselor for her. Apparently I wasn't under enough stress. Also during that time I made a very bad decision that I regret. I apologized to the friend that I disrespected with that decision and she accepted it.
It wasn't long after my brother died that I was introduced to my ex. It started out well. I thought this woman was truly interested in me. A funny side note, the same former friend actually said she hated this woman whom she called "Miss Perfect" because it appeared that she was making me happy. What I never understood was this friend said she didn't have those feelings for me anymore but yet she wasn't happy at the possibility that I had found someone.
Then my sex drive took a dip as happens with me at times. It became a regular thing for me to hear "I'll be so glad when you start T so your sex drive goes up." I should've seen then that the only thing she truly wanted from me was sex and someone to pay for everything when she wanted to go out. There was even one night when she invited me to go to Hustler with her. We get there and she starts picking things out but doesn't tell me until we are checking out that I was paying for everything. Really??? I was an idiot and paid for it.
Even though I felt like I was in hell for months I felt like at the end I was supposed to try and save it. How funny is that? I was getting rid of a drama queen and I wanted to save it? I am so glad she is out of my life. I laugh at how she manages to keep any friends. Since then I have found out just how many of my friends that met her thought she was psycho. Pretty much no one that met her liked her but they didn't say anything because they weren't sure I would listen. In fact, they were pretty fucking pissed at the way she treated me for trying to deal with my cancer my way. It still amazes me that she was so caught up in herself that no matter how I explained things it all came down to her needs and her being neglected. Perhaps if she didn't feel the need to be up my ass every minute of the day or right on top of me when we were together things might have been different. I do have to thank her for one thing, if it wasn't for her I wouldn't have been able to see my new lady for who she is. She may have had some body parts that I like but the inside was demon spawn.
My new lady is so precious to me. She is so drama free. She is highly intelligent, sensitive, caring, soft spoken and quiet. The night we went out with friends I felt so drawn to her. Then when I spoke to her at our next meeting and when it seemed like neither of us wanted to go our separate way, I wasn't sure what I was feeling.
Then we started talking and she just walked into my heart to stole it. I spent that week searching deep inside me. Could I handle a relationship with a Transwoman and all that went with it? I soul searched and looked into the darkest corners of my being. Finally I found my answer. Yes. This woman is someone that I want to get closer to. She is the first person I have dated that I can look to the future with and it feels right and happy. This woman makes me happy. Everyone says that even in the best times with my ex I was never this happy. They said it always seemed like I was stressed and strained trying to fit into the mold that someone else had for me. I don't have that anymore. My lady now just lets me be whoever. I do things for her because I want to. Before it felt like I had to do it because it was expected, so I didn't do it.
It's funny how I can feel so happy but also have a slight down feeling. I do feel a little down tonight but I know it is just a temporary. Tomorrow will be a new day and it will be bright and sunny. Why? Because I am happy with who I am. I am proud of the man I am and will continue to grow into. I am also blessed to have such a woman as mine. She respects me and I respect her. My heart is so full that I wonder that it hasn't exploded. Who knew that I could find someone that fits me so well.
No comments:
Post a Comment