Exciting Times

I am currently less than a week from my court date to have my name legally changed.  I am so ready for my name to settle on me.  I feel like it is the merging of all the individual pieces that have made up who I am for all my life.  To finally be a whole person.  I never thought I could feel this good.  To be able to look into the mirror and truly see myself and not feel the disgust I have known for as long as I can remember.  The next big step is deciding when I will have my top surgery.  I wish I could do it as soon as possible, however with everything I have been through both physically and mentally in the last 8 months I don't think my body could take it.  I need to get my health back and improved.

I have been counting down the days for weeks now.  It feels like I am a kid waiting for Christmas to get here so they can open their presents.  My present is getting to be the real me.  I know some people don't fully understand.  That's OK, they don't have to understand they just have to accept me and the decisions I make in order to live my life and be happy.  The people that I share my life with know that I do what I need to do to be happy.  They can accept me as I am or not, it is their choice but if they want to be in my life and me in theirs they will accept it.  I do not have the time or energy to spend on people that can't accept me for me.

I know I've had a discussion with my sister about gender.  She only sees it as being determined by anatomy. Fortunately I am very secure in who I am otherwise her comment could have really caused damage to me mentally.  Obviously, I do not believe that gender is based on what body parts you do or do not have.  During our conversation she tells me that no matter what, even with taking T, I will never truly be male and that I will always be female.  She can believe that all she wants but I know in my soul that I am just as male as any CIS male.  While she will probably never fully understand she still accepts me and only wants me to be happy.  As I told my therapist yesterday, you hear all of the stories of other Trans people and the rejection from the friends and family and I have not experienced any of that.  It is an amazing feeling to know that my friends and family love me that much.

Then there is the most amazing thing that has happened to me is my girlfriend.  I have such a hard time putting into words what she has given me.  I don't know if I have ever felt this "right" with someone.  She is an intelligent, caring and sensitive woman.  She is quiet much like myself.  Sometimes when we are together we can just cuddle up with each other and enjoy the peace around us.  I find myself just staring at her and my heart just wants to burst.

This beautiful woman does not have any expectation of how I should act or what I should do.  She just lets me be me and I just want her to be who she is.  I don't want her to feel like she has to try to be anything she isn't.  I think she is wonderful and special just the way she is and I love her.

I told her last night that she was going to spoil me.  My last relationship I was expected to pay for everything.  If we went to the movies I paid, dinner I paid.  Anything we did I paid for.  My ex asked me to go to Hustler with her and I agreed.  She goes through the store picking out a few things she wanted and when we check out she looks at me.  She never even bothered to ask me just expected and like an idiot I pulled out my credit card.  I also noticed that when she was so adamant about giving me my stuff back that she kept the jewelry I gave her.

My lady now is so not like that.  I bought her a necklace and she tells me that I don't need to spend my money on her.  Then she takes me out to dinner.  We share the load so to speak. She isn't threatened by how I dress and actually likes that I dress for her.  I like looking good for her.  Just the sight of her makes my heart race.  We have even both woken up in the middle of the night and found the other awake and spent time talking before going back to sleep before work.  I think about her all the time.  I close my eyes and I can feel her in my arms.  She is going on vacation with me and the idea of us being able to spend time together alone feels so good.