The rollercoaster called emotions

I just celebrated 3 months on T.  There are only a few things that I have noticed.  My skin feels oilier, my sex drive is up and I notice my scent is stronger.  A few people have told me that they have noticed a few differences.  Things from a difference in my attitude to my face looks different but they can't put their finger on how.

I have my new name and ID, I am on my hormone treatment and best of all, I have a wonderful woman that cares about me.  Everything is going very well.  We care about each other very much and I feel a closeness that I have not felt in a very long time.

I don't know what it is but I can go from feeling like I'm soaring to feeling like I am stuck at the bottom of a pit.  It seems to start to fluctuate starting a couple of days before my shot is due to a few days after I take it. I will be glad when we figure out the right timing to stop this feeling.

Part of it right now might be that I am in a place where it seems like I should have "the next step" ready to move on to.  What I would like would be able to say that I am focused and counting down for my top surgery but that is only partially true.  My top surgery I know is not going to be soon.  I think it is in my best interest to give my body time to fully recover from the physical things it has endured and to mentally recover from the everywhere I have been since my brother died last year.

So what do I focus on to take my mind off of the top surgery?  Something that a lot of trans guys that I have watched on YouTube is packing and the whole "Stand To Pee" thing.  I am not sure if this is a direction that I want or need to go.  I kind of like the idea but I don't know if I can make that step.  Sometimes I think even people that have some kind of body dysphoria don't always understand it in someone else.  It boils down to the fear of ridicule from people that I care about.  Then I am distressed over the whole chest binding issue that I see.  I have a very large chest and in order to get rid of the uniboob look that I see a lot of the time I have gone to a binder that is a size smaller than it should be.  It took a few days for my body to adjust and my sternum to quit hurting when I wear them.  I am feeling better wearing them and have started wearing them every day but I still see a female chest when I look in the mirror.  This makes me wonder if I do start using a packer or an STP will it make me look more out of proportion?

I guess today I'm just feeling a little lost.  I have been agitated all day and it just has me on edge.  For the first time in months I feel without a direction.  I know it is only temporary but it is still a strain for me.