Lonely

I really need to start posting more often.  I started this as a way to start learning about myself and I'm not so sure it's working. 

It has been a difficult year for me.  It started out with my mom passing away.  It's hard to belive that it has been almost a year now.  Even dealing with that I still managed to carry a 4.0 GPA in school that semester.  I busted my ass last year for my job.  Working so many hours to do everything they asked of me.  I get my review and am told what a great job I've done.  Then within two months I'm told that I'm not taking my job seriously and that even if a new postion would open up I would have to apply for it and everything I'd done wasn't a guarantee that I would even get it.  I was basically told that my job was in jeopardy. 

Then I was dating someone that I cared about but not in the way they wanted.  I could never be or give them what they wanted from me.  We are still friends and that is important.  I can never say thank you enough to Alex.  She is a wonderful woman that deserves the best of everything.  She was there for me and my family when mom died.  She went out and bought food and brought it to the hospital for us.  My ex who was part of my family for almost 22 years couldn't even come to the hospital.

I took the summer off to try and get my life together.  I feel kicked to the curb at work.  They say the are going to take my main function for the last year and a half away from me and put me back on the phones full time.  Guess what?  They are still my responsibility, what a surprise.  Now I've gotten written up for being moody.  I wanted to tell them to fuck off.  I miss the days when I enjoyed going to work there. 

Over the summer I started dating Melissa.  I never thought that someone outside of a relationship could be such an issue as her friend Steph is.  If you've read my earlier posts you know what I'm talking about.  We have been fighting quite a bit lately.  She came over the Tuesday before Thanksgiving and spend the night.  When I got up the next morning I took my apartment keys back.  She still has not mentioned them.  Then on Thanksgiving I go to her house for dinner.  I made my Ruben dip and took it with me.  I was raised that you didn't go to someone's house like that and not take something.  Do I get a thank you?  No, I get a curled up nose and "I guess I'll have to try it now."  When I mentioned that it hurt my feelings she didn't get it.  She doesn't think it was disrespectful.  She even said if I had done that over something her family had made they wouldn't have been offended.  I just cannot comprehend that. 

Then comes my birthday.  She can't remember when it is.  Well the Saturday before my birthday I get a text from a friend.  They are having friends over for drinks and then going to a club to celebrate her birthday.  I asked if she realized that mine was on the coming Monday and she said yes, they wanted to celebrate them together.  I had spoken to Melissa eariler in the day and she said she was babysitting for her sister that night.  I told her I was going out because she always thinks you're ignoring her if you don't answer.  I get told that she needs more notice then that, maybe she can get Steph to watch the kids and that she doesn't have any money because she is waiting on her new debit card.  I told her that I just found out and that I was telling her so if I didn't answer she would know why. 

This is the first birthday that my mom, sister and I haven't been together.  Sis went to her son's in South Carolina.  Alex came over and spend the evening with me and took me out to dinner.  It was alot of fun.  Would anyone like to take a guess as to who forgot my birthday?  I'm sure you guessed it, Melissa.  I admit she apologized (after I reminded her that she missed it).  Then she tells me that she wants to work on our relationship and work through the obstacle's and barriers. 

She invites me over last Tuesday and acts like everything is fine.  I mention that I'm going to my brothers house the next night because he is having surgery on Thursday to remove the tumor from his leg and they are hoping that he doesn't lose his leg.  He does come through surgery without losing his leg.  The tumor was about the size of a medium pizza.  Then they believe he had a mild heart attack while in recovery.  He is doing well and may be coming home on Tuesday.  They also think he isn't going to need to go to rehab.  Well it's about 10:30 at night when I'm starting to head home from OSU.  Not once during the entire day do I hear from Melissa.  I text a few people that I'm finally heading home.  All people who have asked me during the day how things were going except for her.  I get a text from Melissa asking me where I've been all day.  Really??  She says she didn't forget just didn't remember where the surgery was.  Call me crazy but wouldn't you normally check on someone that is supposed to be your girlfriend when something like this is happening? 

Now here it is Sunday and she hasn't asked about him except when I called her on forgetting.  I'm not sure we can get past the differences in how we view things.

Maybe it's just me but I am just not seeing myself finding someone that will want me.  I don't think there is anyone out there that wants someone that may be anatomically female but that is truly male on the inside.  I think loneliness is going to be my partner in life.