I've been talking to my friend Cyrsti the past week or so. I'm not used to people coming close to understanding me. Even the people that I let close to me don't get past all the walls. I think I keep them at a distance because if the woman I spent over 20 years with and at one time thought we were soulmates couldn't understand, accept or want all those sides of me then why will anyone else? I don't like for people to see the very shy, insecure person that lives here. I have kept my masculine side, my kink side and Draco locked away. The latest dating experience actually looked at me and asked why I had to wear a tie all the time. Why is it so hard to be me? I don't think asking to simply be accepted is too much.
This is my 3rd Christmas being single. It is the first one that I have truly felt lonely and alone. I don't know if it's because of losing mom this year, my sister having a breakdown and my oldest brother being sick and having surgery. I was dating someone that I cared about but I couldn't take being disrespected even though she believes she is a respectful person. Our ideas of respect are too different. I think she is missing me but I deserve better treatment.
I saw my brother today. I just didn't enjoy my family. I felt like an outsider looking in. I find myself feeling that way more and more these days. I just wish I could disappear. I really don't know when the last time I felt happy was. Sometimes I think that happiness is not in the stars for me in this life.
We really have to stop meeting like this!
ReplyDeleteAnd we have to start having coffee every now and then when my retirement starts...I would love that.
In many ways I felt as detached from Christmas as you. My fake person did his duties and everything was fine.
I believe for what ever reason some of us have to go through what I call a "grinding" loneliness. Mine of course came when I lost my lover and best friend of 25 plus years.
Searching for my gender identity too just made it that much worse.
My heart goes out to you!
The truth is your are sooo different to talk to in person and shame on me for not doing it!