This is a strange time for me. I have what I want with my transition. Of course the bottom would be nice but I don't think the pro's outweigh the con's. So I have gotten to the point that the bottom doesn't really bother me that much. It's amazing how the dysphoria used to be so bad that I couldn't stand the site of myself or the idea of not having a penis. So for me to be at the place where it no longer bothers me so much that I still hate myself. I still wish I had one but I don't want to go through all the surgeries and face the potential issues. The idea that I can't be a man if I don't have the anatomy of one has faded from my thinking. Now is the time to work on the idea that a woman is going to want a man without one is my next obstacle.
My therapist doesn't put much stock in that thinking. Her comment was "Couples use strap-on's all the time." So she thinks I don't need to worry. I wish I was as confident as she is. Perhaps someday, or maybe sooner.
That brings me to my current state. I don't know how we got here but we're here. This is my friend that I have mentioned before. We have been friends for almost a year even though she didn't think I liked her. She didn't know that I only tease the people I like. I have teased and picked on her quite a bit. I found her amusing especially when she started doing her fact of the day. Then I told her about a poem I had published. Then she wanted to read more of my writing. So I sent her some of my stories. She doesn't care that some of them were written for others. I remember sending some of my stuff to Raquel and she wouldn't read it. She said she didn't think she could handle reading something I wrote for someone else. I'm really glad now that she didn't read them. She doesn't deserve to see that part of me.
Since that time I have started talking more and more with my friend. I'm not sure the word friend really fits anymore. I don't know if it will move to more or not. I don't even know how we got to this point. It's like one day things just popped into place. We started talking a lot and I really couldn't believe how much we were alike. We have many of the same views on things. We actually mesh very well together.
I admit I was concerned about the age difference and then she mentioned that I'm older than her parents. I talked to my therapist about this as well and her reaction was pretty much that I was being silly. She said the other things are much more important then age. I am slowly starting to move past it. Then there is the fact that she is driving me crazy. I think about her all the time. I think about her smile and how she makes me laugh. I think about how much fun I have talking with her. I just enjoy being around her.
It's more than that too. She didn't know me from before so I don't have that baggage with her. I don't have to worry about my past entering into the equation. She makes me feel that she sees me as a man and nothing will change that for her. I haven't felt this before. With Dawn her drive was sex. She said many times that she couldn't wait until I was on T so my sex drive would increase. She didn't care how that felt to me she just wanted fucked and she wasn't happy if she wasn't getting it. The with Raquel she got the sex she wanted but she didn't want me really. She wanted someone that was perfect and the perfect relationship. What I find sad is that her perception of relationships are so skewed that she will never find anyone that can live up to how she thinks things should be. She wants someone that will coddle her emotions at the expense of their own. She doesn't care about anyone's feelings but her own because she has no connection to emotions.
I think this attraction I have is different than any I've had before. I don't feel like I have to hide anything from her or that I have to justify things in my life to her. She cares about me and my feelings, she cares how things effect me. I care about her feelings and how things effect her. I want to know her more and for her to feel like she can be open with me without fear of it changing anything. I don't want her to feel like she has to keep anything hidden. Someone has to hurt me very badly for me to walk away.
I long for the day when I can touch her and explore her. To find new places and heights for both of us. I want that to happen very much but I wait for the time when she is ready. I don't want her to feel like I am pushing her towards anything. I want her to be ready and to want me as much as I want her. If it happens I will be a very happy man. If it doesn't I will still be happy that I have a friend such as her.
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