Suicide

Lately it seems like every day there is something in the news or on my Facebook feed about another Trans youth committing suicide.  A lot of people don't understand how someone could do that.  I am not one of those people.

I was searching Netflix for my next series to watch and there was Glee.  I never thought it would be something that I would watch but I decided to give it a watch.  It actually was enjoyable.  Even though it touted itself as true to life it isn't quite true.  It's ok though, sometimes I prefer it since life can be so shitty.

This particular episode took place around Valentine's Day and one of the football players was outed.  The word fag was painted on his locker and people were posting slurs and things in social media.  The guy dressed up in a suit and proceeded to hang himself.  Fortunately he was found in time and survived. 

People talk about how selfish the act is.  I can understand why they would think that but do they really know the pain that drives you to that step?  The pain that never ends.  You feel it every moment of every day.  There is no relief to be found anywhere no matter what you do or where you go.  You can't even stand to look at yourself in the mirror because when you do all you hear are the things they say.  Things like you're worthless, no one wants you, they even tell you to kill yourself.  Even things much worse.  Imagine that these are the only things you hear.  Imagine those things coming from your family as well, people that are supposed to love you unconditionally.  If they can say these things and feel the way they do then no one loves you. 

After my Dad died my mom shut me out.  I lost both of my parents when he died.  Try being  a 13 year old kid who's idol dies and then your mom acts like you don't exist.  You are so sheltered and naïve that you get called fag and dyke and don't know why.  You don't know what it is to be gay, you just be yourself and you get harassed, asked in the hallways at school in front of everyone what size jock strap you wear.  When I graduated I won a scholarship and when I walked across the stage to get it someone mooed like a cow.  You try to make friends and after a short time they start avoiding you and you don't know why.  Then you find out that their friends have been making fun of them because of their "little gay buddy".  Everyone either makes fun of you or harasses you or people think that just because you want to be friends that you want more than that. 

You don't understand why these things happen but they are.  All you know is how much you hurt.  Do you have any idea how much energy being in that much pain takes from you when it never ends?  You get to the point where all you want is for it to end. 

I have wanted that in the past.  Felt so worthless that I knew I was taking up space that someone else could make better use of it.  If no one noticed me while I was here then why would they notice when I was gone?  You're just a kid but everything just makes you feel like a burden.  I thought I was past it and then I had my car accident.  I don't even know how many years afterwards that I wished I hadn't survived.  So many things I couldn't do anymore.  These legs stop me from doing so much.  It was just one more thing to loathe about myself.

Do I understand the pain that can make you think that taking your own life is the answer, yes.  I also understand the fear that stopped me from taking that step.  What if I failed at that too.  So I stayed, not because I wanted to but because I was afraid to try and leave.  Now, I'm glad that fear stopped me.  I have grown past that and am happy with who I am.