Rambled Update

So I have had a few hypnosis sessions to cut the psychological ties to Raquel.  I feel it has helped.  The hurt has eased however I know it will never completely go away.  The damage was done and the wounds will heal but the scars will remain.  It's ok, scars can make us stronger. 

I know what I want, I want someone that loves me.  I want someone that just the thought of me brings a smile to their face and warms them to their core.  Someone that gets excited at just the thought of holding my hand.  Even better someone that desires my touch on their bare skin and desires to touch me.  Not someone that I feel like I have to point out how uncomfortable with my anatomy they are to get them to touch me.  I realized something, because of that Raquel actually made me uncomfortable in my own skin. 

I will not let anyone make me feel like that again.  I get confused because I am truly happy and comfortable with who I am but my confidence lacks when it comes to finding someone that can love me for me.  I see a lot of trans guys who find a woman that loves them.  Part of me says she is out there somewhere but part of me doubts that anyone is ever going to want me.  Why is it so hard for us to see our own worth?  Even when we are with someone we don't always know why they are with us, what do they see? 

I have been in relationships where there were walls that they didn't want behind.  Some that got past some of the walls only to find out that I wasn't good enough for them.  One that got past and then wanted to ignore what they found there.  I think I may have even put up walls from myself.  I think they are there to protect myself from the pain of feeling lonely and alone......and fear.  I am so afraid of never finding someone.  Growing old and being one of those people in a nursing home that is just forgotten.  Finding myself as someone that it won't matter to anyone when I die.

I have a friend that I have known for almost a year.  She has told me that she finds me interesting and wants to learn more about me.  I gave her the link to my blog.  It scares me to death.  I try to open up here.  What if reading this she decides that I'm not worth being her friend anymore?  What if I trust again and it bites me in the ass?  I know we can't let fear stop us but it just gets so hard to keep opening up and getting stabbed in the heart.