Releasing Pain

In the last few days I have started to realize just how deep the pain goes that I feel.  It's not just pain that I feel but also anger.  Yes, I have a lot of pain over things that have happened in the last 2 years.  But I have also realized that my anger is not just at Alex and Raquel.  I don't really care about Dawn.  She was a mistake from the very beginning.  She was the first woman that I dated after deciding to transition and I think I got caught up in that.  If I had it to do all over again it wouldn't have happened. 

Yesterday I had my first decording session with the hypnotist.  It went well but I don't think it removed all of the psychological ties I was hoping for.  We are having another session next week and I hope that finishes what we started last night. 

I have been thinking since that session and I have realized something.  All of the anger I feel isn't at them.  Part of it is anger I direct at myself.  I am angry that I let them hurt me.  I am angry that I allowed myself to be vulnerable to them.  I allowed them to get closer to me than many in my life.  I let them see things that so few have seen.  I am angry that I trusted them that much. 

Anger however is not productive.  All it does is drain energy from me that can be used in better places.  So I need to get past this and use it to get something more positive in my life.  I need things to move forward.  The only way to do that is to let all of this go.  I need to let go of the anger and the pain.  My trust in some of these people has been damaged and I don't know if it can be repaired.  Then again I don't know if it should be.  I don't trust easily and once it is damaged I am reluctant to give second chances.  The one person that I do need to give a second chance to is myself.