Revelations and changes

Let me start out with an update on my brother.  He went back in to the hospital last Friday night.  He couldn't breath and both of his lungs had collapsed again.  My sister-in-law told me on Saturday that the doctors that if he was still here in 3 months we would be lucky.  Well, Sunday I went to visit him in the hospital.  My sister called me before I got there and said that he was so swollen that he wasn't recognizable. When I saw him I was shocked.  I truly did not recognize him and we look almost identical.  They also changed his status to could be any day now.  He did get to go home today since they were able to get hospice set up.

I will never understand feelings.  At times I am upset about losing him and other times I just don't feel anything at all.  When he goes it will just be me and my sister and she is so far into her depression that I don't know if she will ever find her way out.  All I know is I have done everything I can for her and it's up to her now.  I rarely hear from her these days and when I do she sounds so much like mom that I cringe.  As I've said before I loved my mother but she was a bitch.  I have always been the most sensitive of all of us and she knew how to use that.  She knew what to say that would cut you to the bone.  Then she would call you and apologize saying she thought about what she said and she didn't mean it that way.  Well that worked the first couple of times it happened but after that she did it because she could.

I have been trying to put my feelings for my friend on the back burner.  She is happy alone.  I think of her all the time.  I dream of her at night.  Love is wonderful but damn if it doesn't suck sometimes.  She is such a strong woman and my closest friend.  I wish I could go to her and lean on her for just a little but I can't.  Part of me feels like she would think I was weak and I know that isn't true.  I hate admitting that I need anything.  That little voice in my head always says you have to be the strong one because once you need something the people you love are going to turn you away.  I'm not sure where that comes from but it is there.  I don't like to admit that there are times that I need to be held.  While the whole time I always feel like I'm the one that is supposed to do the holding.  I'm supposed to give comfort, security and safety, not the other way around.  The other way makes me feel like something is wrong with me.

My feelings for her have brought me to another crossroad in my life.  I told her that she is the one people that makes me regret never having gender reassignment surgery.  Then perhaps she would give me a chance.  She told me that my gender isn't an issue for her, even though she reminded me that she was heterosexual and I wasn't.  To me that made it even more logical that if I was physically male then it would make a difference.

Even as long as she has known me, she never realized that I did not consider myself female.  To be honest, I have never considered myself female.  I don't even like to refer to myself in female terms.  Today as I was leaving work I told someone about making the Dean's List and she said "Good job Lady."  It absolutely made me cringe.  I realized how much I truly hated being referred to in a female sense.  

During one of our conversations (back to my friend again, sorry a little ADHD tonight), it was suggested that maybe I should try to date straight girls.  So all of this got me to thinking.  Isn't time that I finally explored who I really am.  I am a man without the anatomy.  This is how I see myself, how I am comfortable and who I am.  This is the true me.  So why don't I do something about it.  Some people would say I "gender identify" as male and some may consider me transgendered.  I don't know which of those I fit into and don't really care.  I will find my place wherever it is.  Of course I start thinking about the dilema I already feel.  If I'm already to masculine for lesbians and I don't have the anatomy for straight women, where does that leave me?  But as my friend Cyrsti said, let's work on one thing at a time.

I know to get to the point of any kind of surgery is still a ways down the road.  At this point the most I am considering is getting to the point to have my chest done.  To actually have the genetalia is expensive and they can't actually create the nerve sensations that genetic men have.  So to me that seems to be detrimental to what I want.  So I have actually talked to a few of my friends about this. (Gay, Straight and TG)  So far everyone thinks it is a good idea that I explore myself and see where I end up.  No one seem shocked by it at all.  I think everyone has been expecting it and have just been waiting for me to catch up.

I have started looking at chest binders.  The only reason I haven't ordered one yet is because I keep forgetting to get the tape measure out of the office so I can order the correct size.  In some ways it is scary because I don't know how some of the people that I care about will react.  However right now I am more excited than scared.  I feel an excitement that I haven't felt in a very long time.  Maybe I will find my confidence this way, I don't know.

I look at how long it took me to embrace and accept my kink.  Perhaps when I embrace this side as well they will come together.  I am looking forward to see what happens.  I almost feel like a kid at Christmas.  One of my friends that I talked to yesterday even asked me if I was considering a new name to go with this side of me.  I said yes but the funny thing is, I have a friend that has the same name.  Wouldn't that be confusing? LOL!!   Even while I sit here and write I already feel different.  I feel calmer and less on edge.  I don't know where I'm supposed to be but I feel like I am on the path to get there.