Family

I know it's been a few days since my last post.  I've been thinking about things that have been happening lately and all I can say is WOW.

As you know I have been hit with some revelations of late.  I look back and I feel so blind that I did not see the writing on the wall.  I guess part of it is finding out how many of the people that know me have never viewed me as female.  It makes me laugh when I realize how much longer it has taken me to get here than it did my friends.  Then I realized how many friends I know that are at different stages of this Transgender process.  It was truly eye opening.

Since I have made the decision that it is time for me to start expanding on the man that is inside me, I have felt like there person that was standing on me has stepped off.  It has been such a relief.  I have felt at such peace.  I feel quieter than I have in my entire life.  (I hope you understand what I mean by that)  It started with the decision to move on in my gender experience.  Then came the purchase of my first binder.  I am so excited that I am chomping at the bit for it to get here and should be here today or tomorrow.  Again when I think about wearing it I feel the same weightlessness that I did when I decided to start this journey.

Next came the need to talk to some of my closest friends and then my family.  One of the first friends I talked to was actually a young woman I work with.  I was expecting her to be uncomfortable when I asked her what she would say if I told her I was thinking about gender reassignment.  I was shocked when her comment was "If it will make you feel better, go for it."  We ended up talking about it for 2 days.  Then I saw one of my long time clients that I had not been able to put on my schedule for a very long time.  She wanted to catch up on things with me.

As we were talking she actually led me into telling her.  We talked about things that had been happening and she brought up about me not really being female even though my body was.  So I told her.  She was excited and happy for me.  I spoke to different friends over the next few days and the responses were all the same.  Could this be real?  Could everyone be this supportive?  Well, I decided to move on to my family.

I went to see my brother on Saturday.  As you know he has very little time left and I truly was not sure about telling him.  When I got there, some of our relatives (no, I do not consider them family) were there so in order to get along, I went in search of my sister-in-law.  She was outside talking to her sister.  I wanted to talk but was a little uncomfortable because I don't know her that well.  But I decided to not let that deter me.

The 3 of us ended up sitting outside talking.  Her sister went inside to get something to drink, so I took the moment to start.  I told her that I needed to talk to her about something very personal.  I started explaining how I felt and what had started me on this and how I felt about it.  By this time her sister had come back out as I continued with everything that was going on.  Damn if it didn't happen again.  They were supportive and happy for me.  My sister-in-law even said that I would be one of those sensitive men that women love.  Her sister told me about a person in their church that the church had a funeral for the old gender and a birthing ceremony for the new.  How cool is that?!?  I mentioned that I wasn't sure about telling my brother and was told that I needed to because he would want to be included.

Finally the relatives leave and it's just the family now.  My brother was trying to eat a bowl of ice cream and having problem because his eyes were so swollen that he couldn't see.  So I fed him the ice cream and then he decided that he wanted to go sit in the kitchen because his eyes don't seem to swell as much in there.  We think it may be due to the say he sits up straighter in the wheelchair.  So now we are sitting in the kitchen with his daughter and one of his nieces from his wife's side of the family.  Finally I tell him that there is something that I need to talk to him about.  I just start talking and he gets this look of shock on his face as does his daughter.  His niece just gets this big smile on her face and tells me how great it is.  You have to understand, my brother is the yuppie staunch Republican.  Even though he came to be OK with the gay thing I am not sure what to expect.  And again it happens.....complete support!!!  They asked questions, some of which I could not answer because I am so early into this.  My brother did tell me that he was sorry that he wouldn't be here for the end result because he would really like to see it.

Today I have the uterine biopsy and my sister is taking me and then going to stay with me tonight so we can talk.  I told her the other day that there was something that we needed to talk about.  I hope she is as supportive as everyone has been but time will tell.  It makes me nervous because she is so unpredictable these days and at times she sounds so much like mom that I can't deal with her.  I am hoping this is not going to be a mom moment although she did say at one time that mom said she was surprised that I hadn't had the surgery.

At this point I'm not sure how far I want to go in the process.  Can I just do the binders and be happy or do I need to go further?  Hormones or not?  So many questions and I'm sure that is not out of the ordinary.  I know I need to schedule with my counselor and probably be referred to someone that specializes in this field.  I do wonder if perhaps I should hold off on that until after things go their way with my brother?  I know he would not want me to delay because of him but I know things will be stressful.  I guess we will wait and see what that place inside me says and go from there.

This is unrelated to anything in my post but something happened and I don't understand it.  I'm not sure if I'm just dense or what.  Last night I was texting to my friend that I have deep feelings for.  I made a reference to "my beautiful Lady............".  I got an odd response back and asked what.  She said nothing so I laughed.  Then I get "Not funny".  Now I know that I've done something wrong.  She says she isn't upset just "vaguely annoyed".  It was over my comment.  I don't understand why.  I don't know if it is just that I said it or if because I used her full name.  I apologized and decided it was best to just leave her alone for awhile.  Sometimes when she gets angry it takes her a little while to get over it.  She has a couple of days off from work so I will just let her enjoy them in peace and keep my distance.