Why do people feel the need to hurt each other? If you've been reading my latest posts then you know that I have told someone that I love them. I knew I was taking a chance but after all this time I had to tell her. She tells me that it isn't me but that she is broken.
She has faced so many types of abuse in her life that (granted, this is my opinion) she doesn't believe that anyone can be her partner. It was so hard for me to tell her my feelings and yes my heart aches. I know that she feels that she is the cause of this pain because she says she doesn't want a relationship now. Yes, I am in pain but not because of her. It's all these people before me that have made her think that there is something wrong with her. I love her just as she is. Her ex-husband even went as far as to tell her that I wasn't really her friend because she was a bitch.
My god she is such a beautiful woman. How these so-called men, could treat any woman like that is beyond me. I told her that she is the one woman that makes me reconsider my decision not to have gender surgery. She says she doesn't see me differently because of it but I think she would come closer to considering me if I was anatomically male. I may be wrong but I just don't know.
I am such an idiot. Why did I have to tell her? At times I dream about her. She would probably not believe this but very few of these dreams involve sex. Don't get me wrong, I would love to take her to bed and love her. Slowly start the fire of passion and nurture it until becomes an uncontrollable blaze. What I think about is simple. The two of us sitting on the couch watching TV or a movie and she is just leaning against me with my arm about her shoulder. Sometimes we are at the lake watching the sunset and just holding hands. I could just be coming into the house and we hug and we just stand there for a couple of minutes enjoying the presence of each other.
I had to tell her and I feel worthless now. It isn't because she said no, it's a culmination of things that have happened over the last few years. I'm not sure I even want to be here anymore. I have made a decision that I haven't told anyone about yet. It affects her but I not sure I can tell her yet.
For her I say this, I love you.
Of course I have read your posts with interest, concern and pain.
ReplyDeleteTruly, I have never known which way to go with you-- with all the walls you build.
Don't get me wrong, I understand some of the wall building with some of the losses you have been dealt and god knows I understand the gender piece a little better than the next person:). Being a victim however takes us all nowhere.
Perhaps you do understand it's a bit hard to reach out to you as a friend. Example? A txt conversation is difficult at best but really bad when it turns quickly into a one word "yeah" from your end.
Right or wrong I got the message "leave me alone".
This is not the first time I've said that somehow someway you need to broaden your contacts. Excuse the expression but you have had the ability to be a real shit magnet at times...not saying we haven't all been there.
BUT if your circle widens you can take the shit out and nourish your friends.
Look, you and I both know this is not the first time I've said all of this and the last time per norm I heard nothing...like not even a "go to hell".
I hate intruding into other people's worlds but most of the time I think I do offer more than just a shoulder to cry on...because I have walked several of your same roads.
BUT the shoulder is still there and I still feel your pain from afar