Alone

I don't know what it is.  I think I've spent too much time to myself this week.  When that happens I begin to think too much.  I have a facade that many do not get past.  Even some of the people that think they really know me do not get past it.

This latest woman that I feel is playing me for a sucker has really hit me hard.  I have tried to open my profile up more in hopes that I will find someone that wants what I have to offer.  Then I get this message.  This woman is interested.  She wants a woman that is more man than anything else.  I am tired of every woman wanting a femme.  I'm don't want someone that is "curious".  I don't want to be a toy.  I don't want to be an experiment.  I don't want to be just a fuck buddy.  I'm tired of getting messages from women that feel they have to put pics of themselves on their profiles where they are just in a thong or completely nude.  Really?? Can we not have some self respect?  If we are a couple that is one thing, but to take these and put them where they can never really be taken away, for people you don't know?

The face I show to people is one of a confident strong butch.  Is that me?  Let me tell you what I really feel.  I am a worthless and unwanted dyke.  No one wants what I offer because I am nothing.  I don't even know why I'm still here.

Today I made a fool of myself.  I have a friend that I fell for a long time ago.  We have known each other for over 10 years.  I have flirted with her for so long it has become part of our relationship.  I told her today that she is the one person that makes me reconsider having the surgery.  She tells me that my gender doesn't make her see me differently.  However, yes it does.  If I was male I would stand a chance of her seeing me as a partner.  I told her today that the things she sees as undesirable are some of the things that attracts me to her.  I even told her that.  What the hell is wrong with me?  Why couldn't I just leave it alone?  Why do I have to love her?  It is so hard to be around her because I want to touch her so much.  Sometimes I just want to hold her had.  Sometimes I want to cup her face with my hand and look deeply into her beautiful eyes.  I want to gently kiss her lips.  I want to hold her and just let her know that she doesn't have to face everything on her own.  Of course, sometimes I want to take her to bed and show her just what I can do.

What does it matter, it's never going to happen.  Not with her or anyone else.