Many things

There have been so many things going on around me these last few months.  I'm probably going to be jumping all over the place and I'm sorry but I just don't know if I can really organize my thoughts and feelings right now.  I think if I try I'm not going to be able to get anything out.

I pulled out an A for my last semester as school.  This semester is going to be tougher because of the problems with my short term memory and the fact that my dyslexia really kicks in when I'm dealing with numbers and there are a lot of numbers in networking.

One thing I am tired of is all these ring adds I keep getting in my email.  They just dig at me every time they show up.  I don't think I will ever be able to pick out another ring no matter what.  At this moment the thought of jewelry just makes me cringe and I don't care if I ever see another piece of it again.

I have been on T almost a year now and it just doesn't seem that long.  The most annoying thing is the scratchiness in my throat.  I know it is because of the changes in my voice but it is really uncomfortable.  The one question I get the most right now is "do you have a cold?"  It's kinda funny.  The other thing I notice the most is the increase in my body hair.  I'm not used to having hair on my legs and it just seems strange to see it.  The sideburns are coming in,  I had to shave them off once when I was trying to trim them and my hand slipped and took a chunk out of one side.  I am really missing my Dad right now.  I think I am feeling a guy's need for their Dad at puberty right now.  I still wish I could talk to him and know that he is OK with all of this.  I look back at my childhood and I think my Dad knew that I wasn't really a daughter.  He treated me more like my brothers than he did my sister.  So part of me thinks he is proud of me and the direction I am heading in but I'm still a little insecure about it at times.

My depression is also trying to rear it's ugly head.  This bitter cold weather and more snow then we've had for awhile is just dragging me down.  If I had the money I would consider going tanning.  But I don't so it's just a wish at this point.  I want to start working on my savings.  I want to start putting money back out of every check.  I don't know if that will help with the depression but it will be a good thing in the long run.

I am looking forward to having my top surgery in a few months.  I think I will finally feel complete.  It would be nice to be able to have the bottom surgery but what is really the point if it is not fully functional?  In a perfect world I could have it done and it would work like I was born with it but that just isn't a place where we are at this time.

Overall things are pretty good in my life.  I have been with my girlfriend almost 10 months now and we have had our ups and downs just like any relationship.  There are times where I don't understand her and there are times that I know she doesn't understand me.  I'm not sure what the future holds for us.  I know I love her.