I had hopes that 2012 would start out better than 2011. So far this year has also started with my life in turmoil. I spent the last day of the year in tears off and on all day. It is bad enough that I hate being emotional. I know that being sensitive is supposed to be a trait that is in demand but that doesn't mean that it's a trait that I like. My dear friend Alex came over and spent a little bit of time with me and that helped. She has come to the conclusion that I did the right thing in the spring. I am now the big brother she always wanted. Anyway, I spent New Year's Eve home alone and that was ok.
I get up New Year's day morning with every intention of having a quiet day at home watching football. Then sis sends me a text asking if I want to come over for pork and kraut. I really don't want to go but I don't want her to think I'm upset with her. I go over and she ends up dozing most of the time I'm there.
Monday I had to go pay my tuition for the coming semester. Sis had wanted me to go north with her to get rid of the guy she met when she was in the hospital but I had to work. Then she texts me again wanting me to stop by while I was in town. Unfortunately I was already home but I drove back to her house to find out what she needed. Turns out she wanted to ask me why our brother wanted her to come over. I tried to explain to her that it was because he is concerned about her. She just keeps saying that they have enough to worry about without worrying about her.
I hate it be we had words again. I tried to explain that we all worry because we are family and that's what we do. She won't listen to me. All she does is listen to fucking Bruce. She won't get it through her head that he is never going to change. He has been this way the entire time they have been together (almost 30 years). I told her that for some reason she has it in her head that she doesn't deserve anything better. She started that same shit again. "Mom and Dad weren't supportive, they weren't encouraging." I told her that they didn't do that for any of us. I told her that I don't know how she supposedly let mom down but that mom was dead and gone. Her tongue can't touch her anymore. I begged her to let mom go.
Again I am in tears. Sis tells me that she didn't want me upset so I should just leave. She won't look at me, won't listen to me, nothing. Finally I couldn't take it anymore so I just left. It was bad enough dealing with my stress rash but now I'm having chest pains as well. I know I need to step back from all this but if I do she will take it as my abandoning her and I don't know what she would do then.
My sister-in-law text me last night because sis didn't come over. I told her what happened and that I don't know what else to do. She asked how I was doing and I told her. She wanted to know how they could help and I told her that I'm just lost. Now it's Thursday and sis finally calls me since her car is still at my house from when I drove her on on Friday. I didn't know that she had gotten her key back from our brother's house so I took them back to her on Sunday. She is going to call AAA and for me to leave her keys in the car. She gets mad at me when I tell her that I already gave them back to her and hangs up. The she calls me again about putting her lineup in for her fantasy football team. I told her 2 week ago that her season was over.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know how to help her. Sometimes I wish mom could come back for just 1 day and tell sis that she didn't disappoint her but part of me says mom would be her typical vindictive self and make it worse.
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