I'm sitting in my apartment watching the fourth season of Dexter. Incase you don't know of the show, it's on Showtime. Dexter is a serial killer that is a blood spatter specialist that works for the Miami Police. However, he only kills other killers. I have always had a fascination with serial killers. The more viscious the stronger the interest. I have always wondered what could make a human do that to another human. Personally, I can't even go fishing any longer because I don't like causing pain to the fish. But on another level I find a part of myself wishing I was free of that kind of restraint.
While watching it today two of the characters were in a relationship with each other. The final scene of their relationship showed them talking then laying on the bed together. It hit me at a moment that I find myself missing a relationship. Having someone that looks at you and it makes your heart flip. Last night a friend that I met online called me and asked me if I wanted to join her and meet a friend of hers from out of town. I agreed to join them. I met her, her friend and her sister. At first it was enjoyable but by the time I went home her friend and her antics were getting very old.
I believe in having a good time but some behaviour I just do not find respectful of others and myself. Her friend really got on my nerves. For some reason that I don't quite understand when she called me I put my shirt and tie back on along with my dress shoes with my jeans. When I left them last night it was cooler outside and I had the sunroof and passengers window down (since the one on my side still isn't fixed). As I was driving home I had this vision of being up at the lake. The woman I am with is soft and femme. As we are driving her hand is playing in my hair and lightly touching the back of my neck. I think of her as we park and the quiet of the lake is all we hear. She comes around to my side of the truck and I turn to face her. She touches my face, her fingers slide down my neck as she leans in and kisses me softly. Slowly she loosens my tie and unbottons my shirt.
Well, I'm pretty sure we know where it goes from there. Sometimes I think I would like to find that woman, I need to find someone like that. Then I hear the part of me that craves the darkness. That part has been very quiet for awhile. Surprisingly I've been ok with that. I just have moments when I feel an emptyness that engulfs me in pain. Do I regret the things that have brought me to this point. No, I regret the pain I've caused other people. I know I couldn't go on the way I was. I was dying a slow death, piece by piece.
It just seems odd that Dexter opened up the door for these thoughts.
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