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How do I even start?  As anyone who has been reading my sporadic posts knows I have been having a hard time lately.  I currently have a stress rash over my back and sides, part of my leg, my elbow and a small spot over my eye.  I have not had anything like this since my last job.  I had hoped to never experience that again. 

I have been busting my ass for the last year now for my job.  In my opinion I was led to believe that they were creating a new position for me.  I was also told that they were going to give me a variety of things to do so they could determine what I like to do.  Now, I've been told that nothing is guaranteed and that any new job would have to be posted and I would need to apply for it. 

I guess this story kind of starts last summer.  I was dating a couple of people (yes, they knew about each other).  I explained to both of them that I was not ready for any kind of committment and that I didn't know if I ever would be.  It didn't help keep them from being jealous of each other.  Both confessed how much they wanted me as their partner.  It was too much. 

I went on vacation (ended up in an argument with my ex) and the only texts I would answer was from the dog. (I know it wasn't actually her texting, so don't go thinking I'm nuts)  On the way back I received a comment from one of the women I was dating that really pissed me off and I let her know it.  I decided that both were not going to be satisfied with just dating, so I offered to still be friends but they pretty much disappeared.  Which to me, pretty much confirmed what I was already thinking.

Then mom decided to have her back surgery.  She never came home.  She moved from facility to facility.  Five months to the day of her surgery she passed away.  Fortunately, she never knew of the cancer that ravaged her body.  We only found out about it the day before she passed away.  I'm glad she never knew because that was one of her biggest fears. 

Just before that time one of the women I was dating the previous summer came back into my life.  I am very grateful for that event.  She did more than she will ever know for my family.  I can never say thank you enough.

I continued with school (I had only recently went back) and working as hard as I could but my heart just hasn't been in it.  Honestly, my heart hasn't really been anything for a very long time.  People talk about feeling dead inside.  Sometimes, I can't remember feeling anything else. 

Over the past few days I have hurt someone that cares for me very much.  She came to my house on Saturday and I tried to let her know that I was not in a good place.  She said I just want to be held.  How can I hold and comfort someone when I can barely hold myself together? 

This is one of those times that being an empath is truly a curse.  Imagine feeling yourself coming apart at the seams and then having someone else's emotions battering at you like a tempest.  The only way to describe it would be drowning in emotions and not having anywhere to turn for air.  It's like being blind and trying to find the lone tree in a desert.

I couldn't take it anymore.  I asked when she was leaving.  Then she made a comment about me throwing her out.  I try to explain that I am not used to someone being at my home for an extended period of time.  Does she understand? No.  She gets upset if I don't kiss her every time I leave.  To me that is something that couples do.  I try to understand what it means to her and I admit I don't quite get it all the time.  But she spends too much time worrying about the future and just worrying in general.  Jesus, she thinks the worst has happened if she doesn't hear from me over and over again throughout the day.  Hell, I don't even talk to my sister that often let alone anyone else.

Then I hear about how I don't open up about my feelings.  I won't talk to her about them  I don't even do that completely with my sister either.  So then she gets all upset and leaves but stands outside my apartment door crying for several minutes.  I understand she was upset but I can't deal with that for the same reasons I have already tried to explain. 

I go back to see my counselor next week.  It is only going to get harder for me.  I have already had to forget about taking classes this summer.  I don't know what I need to do for myself to get leveled out again.  I hope she can help.  I can't keep dealing with all this shit. 

I know I have already talked about most of this stuff before so I'm sorry for being repetitive, but I guess since it's my blog it's the one place where I can do almost anything I want.