Been awhile

I know it's been awhile since my last posting.  I just haven't known the words to use.  I've realized a few things and some of that knowledge I'm trying to adjust to and accept.  So if I sound like I'm rambling I apologize.  Sometimes I feel like all my posts are ramblings.  Perhaps that is the only way I can get some of my thoughts and feelings down.  So I ask that you just hang with me and be tolerant.

I don't know if many of you have ever been to a hypnotist but I see one at times and it does make me feel better.  I have talked before about the woman I has a short relationship with the summer before last.  She is involved with one of my best friends now.  Part of me has wanted them to split so I could see if perhaps we could have another relationship.  She is the first person that I truly let my sadistic taste freedom.  Even now she still calls to part of me and I truly miss it.  We had alot of fun and I did love her and part of me still does.  However, thanks to my hypno sessions I have come to some conclusions.  I now believe she never cared about me but a thought that has come to me is this......I was a tool use to help her reel my friend in.  I still care about her but I don't feel it like I used to.  Her hold over me is fading.

I have someone that I have been dating.  We get along fairly well.  I still find myself feeling empty though.  I know it will take time but it scares me.  What if it never changes?  What if that part of me is so locked away that I can never open it again.  I know what I want but I don't know if I will ever find it.  I care about her but when she looks at me and says "I love you" there is no feeling there.  We have talked about how she feels and how my feelings are.  I know she wants us to be partners and for us to be together always.  I don't know if I will ever be in the same place that she is.  She tells me that if I find someone that I care about and perhaps can even say I love that she will understand.  She says that it is just important that I be a part of her life in whatever way that happens to be.  I worry about what will happen if I do find someone else that I would like to date.  The idea makes me nervous.  Will it be ok or not? 

A few weeks ago her other g/f came for a visit from Missouri.  I had spoken to her a couple of times but that's it.  It was very important to me that she know the scope of our relationship.  Now, this g/f is almost half my age.  They are much closer in age than I am to either of them.  I have never heard of a 24 year old being as inhibited as she is.  I have heard many times "I'm not doing that, that's what she is for".  Really???  I have also noticed that she is not very family oriented.  A perfect example is this coming Sunday.  It is Easter and not only is the crack dog's birthday but it is also A's and her mother's.  We are going to sunrise service (yes I am going to church.  I hope lightening doesn't strike).  Now's A's plan was we go to church then back to her place for all the activities she wants.  Her mom has invited us to lunch so that has thrown a wrench it to her plans.  Now the other g/f thinks she should have told her mom that we already had plans.  It's Easter and birthdays, this is a family time and family comes first.  This kid doesn't get it.  I understand if you are raised without a sense of family but still.

I have no idea where I was going with all this but I know I'm not done but have gotten to the point where I am out of words again.  I have so much inside that needs to come out but I find myself holding back because of some of the people that I know read my blog and I don't want to hurt anyone but I not sure I want to hold back either.  Doesn't that kind of defeat the purpose of this blog?