I sit here today and feel completely lost.
I am on such a rollercoaster. These last few months I can't even describe. I was cruising along at work. Working hard trying to create my future at work. Then I got sick and spent a few days in the hospital. Then can Christmas and mom was sick.
I spent New Year's alone, which was different. It was the first one I had ever experienced in my life. Even when my ex and I first split we spent it together with friends. Then I got a call from my sister. Mom was in the emergency room. They had taken her there from rehab and that she was unresponsive. I remember her looking at me and telling me that I should be at home. I helped her drink some broth and coffee. I know she spoke to me that evening when I told her I was going home but that I would be back in the morning. That was the last time she spoke to me.
When I came back the next day she was unresponsive again. Later that day we found out she had cancer. This disease has taken so many people from my family. Out of the 6 people in my immediate family it has take 3 and my brother is on his 3rd bout with it in 7 years. He never discusses exactly where he is in the battle against this. Let's face it, it's probably gonna take him to. That leaves my sister and I.
Sis and I have been there for each other for quite awhile now. I feel bad now taking time for myself when I know she probably needs me but with school, 2 jobs and the hours I put in, there just aren't enough hours in the day or week for all the ways I feel pulled.
Today I just feel so lost. I don't know which way to turn or what to do. I wish I could figure out what will make me happy.
You have went through alot in the last few months. It is okay to feel lost sometimes. We need days to just think about things, and search our hearts. My counselor keeps telling me to breath and feel my feelings. This sounds easier then it really is to do. I have a hard time facing emotions and feelings. Sometimes I am not sure my emotions are deep down. I know you will get the job you want, and maybe even someday you will have a girlfriend on your arm. what ever you decide is your choose. Good Luck with your journey. Remember I am always here to talk if you need me. (((((hugs))))
ReplyDeleteYou do have so much to decide!
ReplyDeleteIt is hard separating the shadows and the reality.
Sometimes though, just stepping through some doors may show you the way to go.
I know how hard it is to go...and rejection is heartbreaking.