I have gained and lost friends throughout my life. Some I was glad to see go and some I wasn't. To me being a friend means you are there when they need you. You except them flaws and all, understand that sometimes they make mistakes. That doesn't mean that you let them keep making the same mistakes over and over again, let them disrespect you or use you.
I made what I thought was a friend. She reached out to me when she was scared. I was there, kept her company even if it was just through text messages. We talked and I started to let her in. I let her past the walls that not many get through. She said she didn't want us keep secrets from each other or be anything other than completely honest.
I bought into the idea that I found someone that I could talk about anything with. Someone that would talk to me the way I talked to her. I felt so honored that she reached out to me when she needed someone and when she told me that I was one of the few people she trusted. They were just words. Double edged words. I trusted her enough to let her in but her trusting me were just words. She didn't trust me. She wouldn't let me in. I was ok to run and get her food when she was at work or to ask me to trade shifts with her.
She asked me to trade shifts with her on a Saturday. From my side of the coin, she was always more talkative with me if it was leading up to asking me to trade with her. This particular time however, it hit me the wrong way. I didn't trade with her. When Saturday rolled around, my team leader comes up and says she called in with a family emergency. I text a coworker to ask advice about whether I should say something. I try not to be suspicious but at that time we had someone that was notorious for calling off so she could go out. I know that sometimes bad behavior can be contagious. I found out that she really did have an emergency and it really was just a coincidence.
Since she wanted us to be completely open and honest with each other I told her that I had had a suspicion about what happened but was glad to find out that she didn't just want to get out of work. (I was sorry that there was a real emergency) Some weeks later I find out that she felt betrayed because I thought that she would do something like that. I was honest and told her about it. She wanted me to be honest right? If I had kept my mouth shut she wouldn't have known but then if either myself or my coworker slipped and said something then she would have been upset because I wasn't honest with her. Damned if I do and damned if I don't situation.
This same person had no problem telling me that when one of our coworkers was having a cookout and had to ask another coworker if it was alright with them if she invited me. She never considered that it might hurt my feelings. Apparently she had no thoughts for me feelings at all because why wouldn't that hurt me? Why would someone who tends to feel like they are on the outside looking in feel hurt because someone who you thought was a friend had to make sure it was ok to invite you to a cookout that other members of your department were invited to?
We talked and both talked about being hurt by people, people walking out of our lives, feeling used by people. I know how much that hurts. I promised I would not give up on her or walk away. Anyone that knows me knows I don't give up easily or walk away easily. I will take a lot before I say enough. I tried to talk to her when I felt frustrated that things seemed so one sided. Me sharing and her closing me out. I would get answers like "it's what I know" or "I'm not used to people caring about me." I guess I was a fool, letting her tell me what I wanted to hear. Believing her and the idea that my friendship was important to her.
The last time we had any kind of conversation we had the betrayed conversation and I hear the door slam shut on someone that I cared very much for. All those things said to get what she wanted. She knew I liked her and was interested in her. I think she wanted my attention but didn't want me. She sent me pictures that were very personal. Was it all a joke to her? Was I a joke to her? Now she looks at me like I'm just some asshole.
It makes me sad what happened, it makes me sad that I miss talking to her. I miss seeing her smile at me. But it was her choice to keep me out and her choice to push me out because I wasn't perfect. Honest but not perfect.
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