Many things happen in our day to day lives. Some of them are good and some are bad. How we react depends on the person we are. Even when these things happen we have a choice in how we respond to these things. Sometimes we make good choices and sometimes bad ones. Either way you and you alone are responsible for those choices. I believe that shows the type of person we are. When you are willing to be accountable and accept the consequences.
Now granted sometimes how we are raised affects that paths we take to make our choices. I believe that you also have the capability of overcoming many of the dysfunctions we are raised in. For example, neither of my parents were raised with a sense of family. Yet they managed to instill in me a great sense of family. You are there for family no matter what. It does seem that my sister and I learned this lesson better than our brothers did (or at least our youngest brother). My sister and I may not always agree and a few times we have had some ugly disagreements but we are there for each other. I love my sister very much and would have an empty spot in my heart if something were to happen to her.
In the last few years I have watched and increase in school killings, murders by children and many other things of that nature. Many of the people responsible for these things are quick to blame others as the cause. Things like my parents didn't love me or I was bullied. Now, I am not saying these are not terrible things and can be painful but you choose how you handle them. I remember one time in high school where I was standing in the hallway at school talking to 3 of my friends and this guy in my class was running down the hall and yelled my name. When I looked at him he asked me what size jock strap I wore. This was just an example of something I lived with. I had few friends, my mom left me on my own after dad died and my siblings were wrapped up in their own lives. I had no one to turn to or confide in. In all that time not once did it ever occur to me to kill anyone. No matter how much I hurt it was not a thought I had.
Now I did at one time plan to kill myself. It was my senior year in high school. I don't even remember what brought me to that point and now 30 years later it doesn't really matter. That doesn't mean that I haven't at times wish I had died. For many many years after my car accident I had wished I hadn't survived. Every day I lived in pain from my legs that were so badly damaged. So many limitations in the things I could do. I just wanted it over. The underlying issue was truly how much I hated myself. I hated who I was. I hated what I say every day in the mirror. That has changed drastically in the last 2 years. I have never been happier than I have been since I decided to transition. I truly feel happy to be me and I am proud of the man I now see when I look in the mirror.
I understand that transition is as individual as the person who is changing. Something I don't understand is the people who waiver back and forth or those that don't move forward. I know sometimes we have things/people in our lives that we fear losing. But what about losing ourselves? Don't we deserve the happiness we see around us? The people that truly love us will wants us to be happy and support us. But it is up to us to take that step forward. We are responsible for this. We must be proud of who we are and refuse to stand in the shadow. We must find that inner strength.
In the past few months I have felt like my life is falling apart. It started around Christmas time and has been up and down since. My patience has been greatly tested and has been pushed almost to its limits. I continue to handle work, school, transition and my personal life. Work is actually improving. My manager believes that since my transition started that my attitude has changed for the better, now that I am happy with who I am. School, well I have always hated school and if wasn't for disappointing so many people I would probably quit. Slowly but surely I continue to creep towards completion.
Then there is my personal life. This subject is so much easier when the people that I know read this blog do not know the people that I speak of. Sometimes I feel the need to just write the things I feel but I hold it in because it's not so anonymous any more and even though this blog is my thoughts and feelings I do not want to deal with the shit that would come my way. I wish I could pour my heart out and someone say they understand. Especially the woman I love. Now anytime I try to express my feelings I'm told that I'm being angry, mean, thoughtless or defensive. I'm tired. Tired of fighting. I don't know how this is going to go but I don't give up easily. None of this however is stress that I need with my pending surgery. I am waiting on the letter from my therapist so I can submit my paperwork to the surgeon. I am so excited to be able to look at my chest and see what should've always been there. I'm not quite so concerned with having man boobs anymore. This is something that I can work on both before and after the surgery. I want to be able to put my shirt on and then put my hand on my sternum and be able to actually feel it with nothing in the way. To be able to press my chest against a woman's back and not feel things that should not be there. It makes me both excited and afraid at the same time. I know that's probably hard to understand. I had originally planned on staying in Cleveland for the week after surgery but I have been rethinking that. I don't want my sister to have to loose that paycheck and I can't stay up there alone. A couple of my friends have offered to help me during my recovery if I choose to come home. I am so ready to move forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment