Hello my friends. It has been too long since I last posted and so much has happened.
In my last post I spoke of my girlfriend Dawn and I fighting. Well here is what has happened since that fight. Now since this is my blog it is obviously my perspective. I have said this before and I will say it again. These are my feelings and if anyone that reads this and wants to take it personal then that is your choice. This is MY place to put down my feelings, thoughts and anything else I choose to put here. If it should offend you or hurt you I am sorry but this is mine and I should not have to censor anything I write here. If you do not want to hear what I have to say or anything else then do not read this.
Now with that out of the way.
When last we as I said I was fighting with my girlfriend and being pulled between doctors and feeling very upset. Since that time I had surgery at the end of November. They removed all of the unwanted female reproductive organs. Some of the things I found out during that time was this, I have mentioned that I was supposed to be a twin and my mother miscarried the other child. What I did not know what the other twin was male. Studies have shown that sometimes when this happens the surviving twin absorbs some of the qualities of the twin that does not. Also my doctor told my that my organs were smaller than normal and misshaped.
Not long before I had that surgery, I experienced a drop in my sex drive. This is not uncommon for me. However it was an issue with my girlfriend. I cannot count the number of times she told me that she would be glad when I started "T" so my drive would increase. I realize that sex is an important part of a relationship but sometimes when you don't feel well all the time it takes a back seat and you should not be made to feel guilty for it. Anyway, after my surgery my doctor told me that out of the 3 surgeries she did that week I was the hardest of them but I recovered the quickest. It was hard convincing my g/f that she did not need to spend the night at the hospital because I was fine. However, apparently she called so many times that my nurses nicknamed her "helicopter" because of how much she hovered.
Two weeks later I go back to the doctor for my check up. Now then, when the doctor was doing my pre-surgery check she found a lump on my thyroid and told me to remind her when I came back in for her to order an ultrasound. So my checkup is good and I am now released to drive. Well, the plug on my phone crapped out so I went to the Sprint store to get it fixed and they ended up replacing my phone. I realized after I got back to the house that I forgot to have them pull off a voicemail I had from my brother before he passed away. I called them and they said if I came back to the store they could pull it off my old phone and save it for me. On my way back I was rear-ended. I chose not to go to the hospital at that time because then I would not make it back to get the voicemail.
Later that night I had a time to panic as I started bleeding. My g/f called the doctor and after speaking to her I felt I would be alright. However, I did not want my g/f staying up all night watching me to make sure I was ok so I went to the ER to be checked. Everything was alright btw.
After that I had the ultrasound for my thyroid and they found a good sized nodule on it. I ended up going to a surgeon and he ordered a biopsy. Next thing I know they tell me I have cancer. Not something you want to hear with my family history even when they tell you that what you have, if you have to have it, is the best kind because it is the most treatable. In less that 2 weeks after returning to work from 1 surgery I have to take a week off to have another surgery.
During this time I was not really interested in physical contact. Holding hands would have been alright but I did not want someone laying on me all the time. That's what it felt like. Here I was still feeling drained from everything that had happened and I have someone that wants to be up against me all the time. Whether we are watching TV or laying in bed to sleep. Sometimes I felt smothered.
Also during this time we argued a lot. When she would get mad she did not care what came out of her mouth. There were times she would fly off the handle over something small but it because "nothing" ever went her way or "no one" cared about her. She would say this to me. It hurts having someone you love say that to you. Or getting mad and saying "that's not what a real man would do" to a transguy. I still don't think she realizes what that did to my heart. I think that cut me so deep even I couldn't see where it ended. Someone that is supposed to love and support you completely doesn't hurt you like that. Later on when she asked me what was stopping me from moving in with her she got mad again when I told her it was her temper. I was my mother's whipping post for 30 years, I was not going through that again.
I took her with me to one of my therapist appointments because she wanted to meet my g/f. I had been telling her (g/f) to stop stressing over things she can't change but she wouldn't listen to me. Then as we are sitting in the office my therapist is telling her the exact same things. Well it came out that I went to the ER after the accident simply to put her mind at ease. OMG!!!!! She was mad at me for 3 yes I said 3 days. Instead of seeing that I did something to put her at ease I made her into this horrible person that tortured me by taking me to the ER to get checked and going through a pelvic exam so soon after surgery. There was no understanding that the little discomfort that I went through was worth it if it gave her peace of mind. No I was horrible and lied to her.
Now there was the cancer. When I had my car accident back in '93 there were 2 of my cousins on my mom's side of the family that died in car accidents but I survived. Now 5 out of 6 in my immediate family have been diagnosed with the disease but I'm the one that has the treatable kind. All of these things are a lot to try and wrap your head around. These things make you ask "why am I here?" Out of everyone in my family I am the one that gets the treatable kind. What am I supposed to do because obviously I am here for a reason.
During this time I became more withdrawn. I admit that fully. I had so much to reflect on and try to understand. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do. Then I had to go through radiation treatments for my cancer which meant that I had to be away from everyone. The g/f was not happy that I moved back to my apartment but it made the most sense since I couldn't be around anyone. When I could be around her again after the first treatment I invited her to my house. We are watching TV and she asks me if I miss being at her house. I said yes and no. I missed being with her and the kids but I had missed the quiet of my place. Apparently that was the wrong answer. She started to cry and said coming to my apartment was a mistake and she felt like I didn't want her there. HELLO!!!! I invited you, if I didn't want you there I wouldn't have asked you to come over. Later on I found out she got mad at me because I didn't sit next to her on my tiny couch and how inconsiderate I was because she had to do several hair colors that day and it hurt her shoulders to have her arm up over the arm of my couch so she could hold my hand while I sat in the recliner.
Through all this I heard about how much she had lost and how much she did everything she could to support me and how much she was neglected. How much she was sacrificing and how much she couldn't wait until I was back to my old self so we could get on with our lives. I asked her to not tell me how much time we spent apart but enjoy and be happy with the time we were together. I was told that it was wrong of me to want her to not be negative when we talked or were together. I was told she should have to hid her emotions from me because she was allowed to have them.
I put a few posts on Facebook trying to get other peoples opinions about me putting myself first for once to try and get to feeling better. I had 2 surgeries close together, had 2 radiation treatments and was not yet on thyroid medicine. I would be driving and fall asleep at red lights. The 2nd dose really kicked my ass. I was so exhausted that it was a struggle to stay away long enough to watch a commercial let alone do much else. I was told that I was "wallowing" in the fact that I had cancer. Let's not mention that I felt like I was being kicked in the balls for being sick in the first place. I was being neglectful of her because I was trying to get myself better. Instead of seeing my FB posts as venting and looking for input, now I was belittling her. I was told that my sister was bullying her because she sent her a text asking her to let me put myself first for a change and offering to give her someone to talk to. She brought up things that happened between me and another ex of mine.
Granted she offered to come get me and take me to her house so we could spend time together but I told her I wanted to be able to stay awake when we were together because I wanted to see her not just fall asleep on her. I was wrong there too. At this point we were fighting constantly. By the time we finally sat down to talk she had already decided that it was over. I begged her to give it another chance and she asked me how it felt to be the one begging for a change. Everything became about her.
I will move on. I have started working on my weight. I have a clear picture in my head of who I am and what I want to be. For the first time in my life I like who I see in the mirror. Fuck what anyone else thinks. I am proud of the man I am regardless of what anyone has to say about it. If there is a problem it is with their self esteem not me.
I AM DRACO AND WATCH ME FLY!
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