Surprises

I know it has been a long time since my last update and I apologize.  Sometimes I'm not sure that I am fully awake.  I don't say this often and sometimes I don't believe it but I am amazingly blessed.

Many of you that know me or have tried to follow my sporadic blog know that I struggle with depression like many of us.  For years I have struggle with who I am.  Never truly recognizing the truth.  I tried to adjust to the idea that I was too butch for lesbians but to genetically female for straight women.  Then there are my feelings for my friend.  I was going to be patient and wait for her to decide to give me a chance but the longer it went the more I truly realized that again I was heading for a life without a partner.  So I decided that even though I loved her we were only going to be friends and that was simply the way it was.  I still believe my gender was part of the issue but it no longer matters.  I have closed that part off for the best for both of us.  Friends we are and friends we will stay, and I'm OK with that.

When I had the epiphany of being Transgendered and the relief that flowed over me.  The freedom that I finally felt, that I had so desperately been looking for my entire life is still amazing.  So many of my brothers and sisters have met so much turmoil when coming out to the people they care about.  I was not expecting the response I received.  I have not received ANY negative response from my family and friends.  The only negative has been a few relatives who are truly inconsequential to anything I do, think or feel.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  I am growing into Draco Alexander and I am happier than I have ever been in my life.  I have even joined a local TG support group at the strong urging of my girlfriend and I am looking forward to meeting more and more people that are like me.  The only downside to the group is that they are predominantly MTF.  I have found myself starting to crave that FTM brotherhood.

Now about my girlfriend.  It is hard to believe that we have only been seeing each other for 10 weeks.  It feels like we have been together forever.  We have already been talking about long term plans together.  She supports anything that I need to do to make me truly happy and to be completely who I am.  I love her so much.  This isn't to say the we don't have some issues that we are working through.  There is one that flared its ugly head again over.  I have this habit of talking about Mel too much.  I try not to but when we are talking about things we have done or places we have been, she comes up.  She and I have been friends for 30 years and we were together for almost 22 years.  Everything I have ever done and every place I've ever been was with her.  There is also the issue of my memory.  There are other things that have happened in my life but thinks to a head injury I don't always remember them.  So how do I not talk about over 20 years of my life?  Dawn suggested that I say "we" instead of Mel and I.  I don't understand how that makes a difference.  She said it was because she wouldn't be hearing her name.  This makes no sense to me because she still knows who I'm talking about.  At the same time when she talks about the people that she has dated or when she feels really bad and needs to put on Naomi's t-shirt, it doesn't bother me.  All of these people both good and bad have made her who she is today and I would not change her for anything.  So I get a little lost at times, to me it seems like the only way to make a difference is if I just stop talking about my past.  But Dawn doesn't want that either.  I guess we will just have to keep working on it.

Then there has been my health situation.  I have been back and forth between doctors.  The GYN still is not convinced that my problem is gynecological even though the general surgeon did the surgery and found nothing to be causing my pain except for the cysts and fibroid.  She wanted to send me back the GI doctor and I almost lost it.  Finally she decided to go in and she was just going to take the ovaries and tubes.  "Then if it is necessary we can go back in and take out the uterus."  I was able to convince her that I wanted it all gone at the same time.  So now I am waiting to hear on when they are going to do the surgery to take this unwanted and hated part of this body out.  I cannot be or feel like me until it is out.  Then I can talk to a therapist and get started on T.  I am so excited about that finally happening that sometimes I get depressed that I can start now but I have to get this taken care of first.